Tutteji Wachtmeister: Spiritual Entrepreneur

The master emits an enlightened yelp. Or does he yawn? And, in the case of the master, is there even the slightest difference? Answer correctly and attain the master’s marrow. Or his Master Card. Or his boner. Is there even the slightest difference? Answer correctly, and attain…..

The third blog I’d like to introduce you to is Tutteji Wachtmeister: Spiritual Entrepreneur (link below). In fact, this blog is so enlightening that I must insist that you donate a minimum of 50% of your yearly income to it. That way, Tutteji’s teachings will spread, ensuring that whirled peas is realized far and wide.


But first, a pithy instruction for the reader:

It takes good eyes.
Eyes wide open.
Sharp eyes.
Eyes that dart and scan,
yet stop, fix, probe, and examine
the gory details.
It takes nerve,
a cool nerve,
Nerven des Stahls.
But most of all, it takes big ballz,
ballz the size of Ayn Rand’s.

This concludes the pith instruction.
May it abide in the hearts of all ₩or₮h¥ ฿eing$.™


And now, to Tutt…Oh, wait! See that herd of sacred cows? Look how placidly they graze in the field. So harmonious! So kind! And the field! Lush with life-giving grains. Orchards full of succulent fruits. Such joy, even to behold. Take a deep breath. Yes, take it all in. Ahhhh. It’s all good. Just this present moment.™ Feel your heart filling with compassion. It’s all so good, isn’t it, suckers?

When the beast attacks, resistance is futile. Shit! Watch out! The beast’s oracular cortical node—DHARMA DRAMAH™—shoots like a blood-red laser straight into your unsuspecting amygdala. Yes, you will be assimilated.

Do you see what’s happening? I know, I know. It is hard to sort out. It takes a sharp eye and nerves of steel. It takes ballz the size Ayn Rand’s.

Enter Tutteji! Gassho, a hundred times gassho, sensei! Grand Master Tutteji Wachtmeister Dai Osho, King Tut, The Meister of Wach in a world of Schlaf. He stands guard at the door of the mind-bendingly perplexing Dharmic-Integralist hall of mirrors. (Or is that merely a reflection of an avatar of “him” in a mirror at the door, an image refracted and warped through other mirrors, an image of our robed roshi as the mayor of…wait, never mind. Who is Tutte? Who are you? Who am I? I’m so confused. No, you’re so confused. No, Tutteji’s…I give up.)

Why should you not just visit Tutteji’s site but devote yourself to it forever? I see a bunch of reasons. I will be brief so that you can see for yourself.

  • He performs an immanent critique that is as funny as it is intelligent as it is cutting as it is revealing of very real, but cunningly obscured, motives (?) and machinations of the x-buddhist/Integralist dharmarazzi.
  • By juxtaposing x-buddhism and Integralism in a single critique, Tutteji provides a broader context for the speculative non-buddhist account of x-buddhism. His wider perspective, for instance, throws into sharper contrast the ways in which x-buddhist teachers are beholden to elements of belief similar to that of the Integralists: Neo-Vedanta, orientalism, (mindfulness) mysticism, New Age spiritualism, neo-platonism, holism.
  • He places before a perfectly polished mirror the crass consumerism that attends so much of THE DHARMA. In other words, he shows what Slavoj Zizek, quoting Ron Burbea and others quoting me quoting Slavoj Zizek, said: “Western buddhism is becoming the dominant ideology of global capitalism as it’s meditative stance is the best way to fully participate in the capitalist game while maintaining the illusion of sanity.”
  • Like Senator Elizabeth Warren, he is not afraid to name names, except that unlike her he doesn’t. And when he doesn’t, it is revealing, like the best of Dada juxtaposition:

Chuck Genkaku Johnzen Roshi;
The Secular Busybodies;
Dumb Village;
Mindful Rock;
Ken Dillinger;
Andrew Con;
Dharma Dorks (creators of the 1.5 version of The Samadhi Ambience 4D Advanced Brainwave Measuring app™);
Kenneth R. Lingam;
Dharma Skins Sangha;
The magazine Sumeru Sun
Vajran Welch (if that non-name is too obscure, here’s his book: The Ploy: Penetrating the Secret Society of Sexually Successful Spiritual Masters).

  • His not naming names naming inspires further Dada-like revelations.

Think Not Hahn;*
Stefān Battyforsure;
Drama Runts;
Boringdharma Magazine;
Sham La La Land Sun Magazine;
Tricycle Magazine (it’s its own Dada joke, right?);
Bad Brad Warning!!!;
No a Leva;
Pay Me Children;
Stephan Scatteredtini;
The Hello Dolly! Scammer;
Kinfolk$ Be Gettin’ #%&!$ Here;
Ken McHead-in-the-Clouds;
Thickheaded-but-never-Sorry Bhikkhu;
Chuggin’ Drunkpaw Ricochet.

Create your own Georg Grosz-like not-naming-names-naming non-image.

Tutteji Wachtmeister is critique from within. But it is also Dada critique. Dada only looks unserious. But it is deadly serious. (Yes, present tense.) Like the old Dada, the new Dada arises out of the conviction that the grand claims to cosmic meaning and inner wealth made by our x-spiritualists teachers are as bankrupt as those made by our political-economic Meisters. Worse, the new Dada-critique reveals that both are mere agents in the same game of Borg-like subjugation.

Let’s end with a word from Master Tutteji himself. From His site. But first you must prostrate..Have you prostrated?…No, really, YOU MUST PROSTRATE, GODDAMMIT!!!:

Tutteji’s sudden appearance on the highly competitive spiritual market in North America has also sparked some controversy. Some critics, like “The Secular Busybody”, have even accused him of being a “false persona” or a “fake guru”, and used various social media to discredit both the man and his work. Others have hailed him as “a beacon of light in the platitudinous murkiness of the bodhiblogosphere”.

Hillary Hilton, co-founder of Dharma Dorks®, recently interviewed Tutteji for her popular series of podcasts. Why not spend an hour listening to the man himself talk about True Self, Big Business, and Limitless Success. Sit back, relax and have a nice infusion of Moroccan hash oil.**


Tutteji Wachtmeister Blog

Tutteji Wachtmeister Dai Osho Facebook page

Transintegral Scholars Facebook page

  • I saw that one in a Tom Pepper essay.

** A riff on the Secular Buddhist podcast, which always ends with a suggestion like “So, sit back, relax, and have a nice Gyokuro tea.” It’s always tea. Even Bad Brad Warner’s: “So, sit back, relax, and have a nice green tea. Yes, just green tea.” What a difference a difference can make, huh?

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